Money Pressure

I tell myself we would have no worries if we just a little more money. We’re always doing fine and God always provides but it’s this mountain of school debt that hangs over me like a stack of falling papers. Will it ever be paid off? I have created our budget, we’ve been sticking to it, but we’re not ahead on taxes. I’m wondering if I really believe that God is our provider. Every day I wake up with the pressure of the bills and I worry until I go to sleep. Throughout this six years of marriage, God has always provided for us. We’ve been able to deal with medical bills that have come up and we’ve been able to eat out once a week. Yet I still worry. I have to start living the truth that God always takes care of us. We always have enough. Enough-that needs to be my motto. February 2012 we will be debt free if we keep going the way we are. So I have two choices. I can worry until then or let go. Let go of this worry that hangs around my neck like a millstone. Do I really believe God will provide or am I still trying to be in control?

The Audience of One

               I try-hard.  My intentions are always to have a clean house, a growing church that knows I love them, happy sons, and a satisfied husband.  I want to be an excellent friend, a fabulous cook and a stylish dresser.  I want people to see all of my efforts and know I am a woman of God who gives everything her all.

           Then the inevitable happens.  I disappoint someone.  I forget to call, forget to send a present, don’t have time to shower, and burn whatever I am trying to make.  My husband is frustrated at my attitude and I can’t figure out how to breathe deeply.  Then it is my turn to be hard on myself.  If I had more courage I would throw up my hands in despair and give up.  But I keep plodding on–hoping that every step will bring me closer to the one who made me.

               I want to be honed in on God’s voice. Only.  It’s just that all the other voices are so loud.  So I bow my head and pray this prayer:

            My Jesus,  Help me.  I can’t do this life without you in the center of all that I do.  Please get in the way of my to-do list and my responsibilities.  I’m tired of listening to other’s opinions of who I am.  May every effort bring you glory and may I get no credit for what you do through me.  Give me a listening ear to the sound of your voice.  Thank you for calling me worthy. I am nothing without you. Amen.

Zoe at 3:30 in the AM

With a 3 year old, 8 month old, and a dog-our sleep patterns are never set. Last night, we hit the sleep lottery and both boys drifted off without any trouble to an entire night’s sleep. Zoe was not so cooperative. At 3:30, she started whimpering, which is usually solved by burrowing under our covers and sleeping at our feet. She sat on my head, licked Devin’s toes, and was a total nuisance for a half an hour. I let her outside, waited for her to come in, and then we commenced this grand game in the bed that Zoe invented. An hour later I checked her kennel and realized our dog had no food or water!! Only one word went through my mind–DUH! I could have had a much more restful night if I would have checked the food first.
Advent season is a busy time for all of us. We try to remember the joy of the season, the Christ of the manger, but we rush around trying to keep up with our list of activities. I’ve been running around with my to-do list and wondering why I feel so overwhelmed. I’ve been jumping around trying to meet everyone’s expectations and forgetting major appointments and people. I need spiritual food. God is there for me to refresh my soul and I have slipped past him without a pause. Join me and decide that today is the day you pause in the presence of your creator. Take time to be fed by the living God. Quench your thirsty soul.

The Tigress Wife

         My hubs looks studly in his green polo.  This is one of those undisputed facts than anyone would agree with because it’s just true.  However, he’s  mine and I am his.  I don’t need to parade this possessiveness  around-it’s just something that is usually respected because of our commitment and rings.  Then it happened–some woman was flirting with my husband!!

           She’s an acquaintance of ours-Devin told me that she makes him uncomfortable.  All the wives were talking on one side of the room and this lady gets up and rubs up against my husband!  Devin moved and she did it again!  I became hilarious in my mind.  I was snapping my fingers in attitude and saying things like, “Excuse you! That’s my man!!”  I know how much I love my husband but I’ve never channelled my inner Jerry Springer before.  I think it’s good to know I have fire in my engine for my man and I gave him a huge smooch right in front of the whole group.  I am a tigress.  He’s mine!

Because …

          Ford now connects everything with because.  “Hi Dr. Braye!  Because I have a cough.”  “I don’t want to go potty!  because I don’t want to!”  It’s so stinking cute that I don’t want to correct his grammar and explain the properties of because.  Time is slipping away from me–He’s three years old. Three.  He’s already asked for a hammer 5 times this morning after being awake for 20 minutes.

         I’m not sure where the time went but I know my job is to raise my sons so they don’t need me.  Really?  They need to be independent men. gulp.  So even though I hug them tightly, I need to push them to do things on their own.  I am supposed to work myself out of a job.  But today-this minute-I have two little boys running around in feety pajamas.  I am memorizing this moment because it soon will fade. -Because.

Promise Unkept

           OK- So I didn’t exactly blog everyday.  I took a two month hiatus and didn’t feel any better or relish that extra time I had.  So-back to blogging and releasing my life into the eletronic universe.  I didn’t start this thing to do anything but find something to do for me.  We moms serve a ton and between folding landry and wiping noses we loose ourselves.  I really think we are told somewhere down the line that life’s supposed to be like that.  You birth children=you take yourself out of the equation.

              Nothing good can come from that.  Nothing.  As mothers slowly fade into the background of their family and gain weight-our families suffer.  My family’s well being depends upon mine.  If I really love my two boys, dog and husband like I say I do-than I must start starring in my own life.  I was not destined to be a best friend in the movie of my existence.  Leading ladies are not allowed to give up on themselves.

                If motherhood makes me a martyr–than I have to find my way out!  There’s got to be a way to be a mom, laugh continually and live in the chaos of our household.  Today-this minute-I refuse to succomb to the current victimization of motherhood.  Oh, poor mothers, they have to . . . .  I am a mommy!  Only two boys in the entire world can call me that and it is my honor and joy.  (not every single moment–but)  Yes-my kids may both be screaming in the grocery store but we’ll get in the van and everything will be fine.  Yes–a may have to deal with poop more than most zookeepers but soon they won’t need me as much.  I am a mommy!! I better start taking care of Ford and Cooper’s mommy.  She needs it.

Bouncing Cooper

Cooper could spend half a day in his jumparoo bouncing. Is that safe for him? He bounced all the way through premarital counseling last night. This is the scene: our dining room table, strewn with marriage books, young couple discussing life matters, me with a look of concern on my face, and the sound of the jumparoo going up and down. Such is the life we lead. I ask a question about handling conflict, shake up a bottle and close the refrigerator with my foot. I feel like I am Cooper-bouncing up and down from thing to thing. The chaos will never cease, but I can celebrate my chaotic life by remaining anchored in the Rock of Jesus. I have to admit, however, I am not very adaptable. I really thought I was a fly by the seat of my pants gal, but I turned out to be a scheduled planner. My testimony about life isn’t going to be about how I kept my routine. I want to seize and celebrate this life like my bouncing 6 month old.

My orange polo

Day three of starting my day in this orange polo. I always end up in real clothes and a bra, but somehow I cannot find the energy to reach into my drawer and dig out another comfortable shirt. When I smelled something funky and leaned over and realized the smell was me. Don’t I feel sexy?
Both boys have been sick this week. Every time I am going to take them to the doctor, Ford runs a marathon around the room and Cooper tries to climb our couch with the spirit of a Mt. Everest hiker. Every time I take them to the doctor when they are this sick, this is what I hear: “It should pass. Just keep giving him fluids.” I should just pay the co-pay, sit for two hours, and listen so that I will feel better. But going to the doctor means getting ready. ugh.
I was never going to be one of those moms who let themselves go and I do love make-up, etc. But my life requires so much energy I find myself grabbing a hat and walking out the door without looking too hard at a mirror. I have not given up on myself. I go to Weight Watchers and look at fashion magazine so I am not a lump. My priority has become survival and I want my priority to be celebrating this life! I’ve gotta go change my shirt-three days for one orange polo is too much.

Laundry

It’s a vicious cycle. You wear clothes, they have to cleaned, sorted, folded and put away. There are only four people and a dog in our house and it feels like we have 15 people. I swear-I do so much laundry that I feel like I am hiking a mountain of fruit of the looms daily.
I keep thinking that if I do one load a day I will keep up but that stuff multiplies in there. I stay up till midnight- folding folding, folding and I still have nothing to wear!
If you ever hear of someone drowning by laundry–it’s me.

My Precious Ford

Every night we pray with Ford and he prays after we say a phrase. Now he prays on his own without prompting from us and he lists all the things he is thankful for. Thank you for “Lightning McQueen”, “Chick Hicks”, and my bear. He also prays for the missionaries in the Carribean region from cards we got at the general assembly in the Church of the Nazarene. Tonight, he remembered all of the missionaries’ names and their countries without any prompting from us. As I go to sleep tonight, I will hear his sweet little voice saying. . .”Dear Jesus, Please help Ronnie Pupo in Cuba in the Church of the Nazarene”